I'm Just A Girl

I feel so empty and hollow. I feel nothing. All that there is of me is nothingness, just a black hole that feels nothing. Numbness comes to mind as well.

Through the ups and downs
You were always there for me
Knowing that you didn't have to be
But you did it anyway

Wrapping your arms around me
Keeping me safe from the world
Safe from the cold that was outside
Telling me that everything is ok

No one knows how much you mean to me
My heart jumps everytime I see you
And run back into those arms
That keep me safe

Only you and I know how many times
We argued over stupid things
And said things that weren't meant to be heard
And yet, you stayed with me

I don't know how to thank you for everything that you have done
I don't want to let you go
You will always be in my heart
I love you so much

my world is spinning in a hundred different directions
not knowing when i am going to come down from this
getting hurt and stabbed in the back by the ones that mean the most
the person that you are is not the person that i didn't expect
i thought that you were going to be there for me
but you weren't when i needed you the most

you think that you know me and what kind of a person that i am
you never knew me and you never will
you let other people corrupt your thinking and how you do things
can you be your own person and make your own choices
instead of letting people walk all over you
try to life your life instead of people living it for you

Wow! I have not updated in a while so now I am doing so. There has been rumors going around that I may be moving. I want to clear that up. Yes, the rumors are true! I applied for a job at Southwest Airlines back in July and I have just finished up two interviews within the week. If all goes well with my background check, which it will, I will be leaving San Antonio for good and moving back up to OKC. I am really excited and I hope that you all can be too. Don't worry friends in San Antonio! I will be back! Love ya'll!

I am drowning in a deep dispair
My hands are covered in blood
My soul, gone
I feel no life coming out of me anymore
I am numb and cold

A stranger walks in and says,
"I have to kill you now."
I tell him that I am ready
It is just he and I
No one else stood to watch

My parents are ashamed of me
My friends, well, I have none
I feel the life gone away now
All the memories,
Flashing before my eyes

The very eyes that I first saw light from
Now, gone ans will be closed forever
I cry out, "I'm sorry!"
No one hears it, except for the stranger,
Who doesn't care or know me

What will become of me?
My life is in turmoil
No matter what I do,
Its never enough,
Never enough

Why can't you just be here for me
Why are you always the critic when it comes to me
What did I ever do to you that made you this way
If I did something wrong please tell me
Instead of walking around and pretend that nothing happened

The way that your words pierce through my soul
Is like the way a knife goes through a piece of meat
I don't think that I can ever forgive you for what you have done
You have made me what I am
But, what I will become, is up to me

I know that I have made the wrong choices when it comes to you
However, I know how to own up to then,
Unlike you

From this moment on, you are nothing to me anymore
and I mean nothing to you
You have given me a life not worth living
Living in a depressed state is not living at all
Just know that you are the cause of how I act towords you

There is nothing more than pain that I feel right now. My heart has harden to the point that I doubt that I will let anyone in anymore. It sucks for everyone in this situation because I do not know who to trust anymore. I hate being lied to and I hate crying. I just want to die right now. My last cry for help. Nothing is sadder than that right now.

My heart wants to die from all the pain that I have caused. I can't really explain why because there are people that still treat me as a child. I know that it is not fair to the people that know me the best, however, its the only option that I have at the moment. I hate breaking people's hearts, hopes, and dreams for me, but, I feel like everything is crashing down around me. No matter what I do, its not enough for anyone. I HATE feeling like this. No matter what I do, I cannot make things right. I am just the screw up of the family and they know it.

They don't know about the rage that is inside of me. They don't know that I have to bite my tougne for the sake of arguement. They don't know what I go through on a day to day period. It totally sucks living a life that one cannot share with anyone else. Inside, I feel like I am curling up into the fital position and its getting tighter and tighter. I just want all of this to go away.

The voices are the worst part about this whole thing. There are way too many of them. All telling me to be successful and all telling me that I am going to fail. Nothing is more painful than that.

Last night was the worst of it. I am thankful that Joseph was there to take care of me. I don't deserve to have someone like him in my life. He makes my life worth saving and living. I can't really explain it to the average person. It makes sense to me though. Thank you Joseph and I love you.

*sighs* I have some work to do. I hope that I will post again later. I am done venting.

Revision To Another Entry
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sleep seems to be not an option these days
My heart has seemed to go a million miles a minute, without recourse
Nothing seems to make sense
I try to make sense of it, but it never comes to pass
My life is slipping away

I scream out
No one hears me
There are people that keep looking at me,
Passing me by,
Without another glance

Can you see that I am hurting
Can you hear me screaming
No one cares
I suppose that is what our socity has come to
Not caring

My life seems worthless without someone in it share it with
I hate feeling like this,
Empty is the word that comes to mind
Why are people so cold
Why can't they help

Verse One:
There are times in my life where I feel invisible
It seems like I live life with a mask on
Doesn't everyone though?
My life doesn't seem worth to live anymore

Chorus:
There is someone that stands in front of me
I can't really describe what she looks like
Though I put it into perspective
She is the ghost of me

Verse Two:
There have been countless times where I have wanted to end it
Saying that no one cares about me or wants to be my friend
I want to die!
I never could do it

Chorus:
There is someone that stands in front of me
I can't really describe what she looks like
Though I put it into perspective
She is the ghost of me

Verse Three:
Though there are other times where I am falling
Into the deep abyss
No one can get me out of it
Though, do I want to be saved

Chorus:
There is someone that stands in front of me
I can't really describe what she looks like
Though I put it into perspective
She is the ghost of me

1st verse:
All that you brought me was pain
I never really noticed it until now
Why weren't you there for me
You have no idea how hard life was for me

Chorus:
Growing up in a world that didn't seem like my own
Questions that I shouldn't have had to ask
In my eyes, I was growing up too fast
And I can't remember your face

2nd verse:
Why would someone give up one's child
The slamming doors and hurtful words,
I cannot get out of my head
My life will never be the same

Chorus:
Growing up in a world that didn't seem like my own
Questions that I shouldn't have had to ask
In my eyes, I was growing up too fast
And I can't remember your face

3rd verse:
All that I felt like doing was running away
From all that I have known
Nothing in my life is ordinary
Though, I am greatful that you gave me life

Bridge:
Through everything in my life that has happened,
I want to thank you for giving me the one thing
that any child would want
That is, a life to live

Chorus:
Growing up in a world that didn't seem like my own
Questions that I shouldn't have had to ask
In my eyes, I was growing up too fast
And I can't remember your face

Spoken part (whispered):
Thank you for giving me life

I keep hearing in my head, "You can do it, if you put your mind to it." My dad use to tell me that all the time when I was younger, though, I never really believed it until now. I feel all that I have ever wanted in my grasp, but yet, so far away. I know that it will take time for me to accomplish what I want to, however, I will need help with that. I know that my family and friends will be there for me. The really big question is, will you be there for me? I feel like I have waited in the shadows for too long, hoping that I could do what I want to do. Now, I feel like they are in the tips of my fingers and all that I have to do is just to go out there and do it. Thank you for reading my rantings. I hope that you like what comes out of my head and onto paper. I know that not everyone will, however, all that I can say is that this is me. I am finally here.

Ok. I have, yet again, hit a snag in my emotional status. I was doing so well. However, my friends have kept me sane and have not allowed me to sink into my dark thoughts. Though, I have come to the conclusion that it is apart of me and I can't help it. Some would probably say that I could but its not easy when one goes through it on a monthly or daily basis. It seems like it has become a daily occurance. It sucks because its hard to get out of bed in the morning, especially when one has things to do. Its a battle, thats for sure.

Well, I got through hell week. I didn't think that I was going to do it, but I did. I am going to go tomorrow for week two. Though, I must say that I did go overboard this weekend with all the sugar that I consumed. Its ok though because I have a feeling that Tiffani is going to work me good, if she spots me. lol! I hope that this week goes smoother than last week. However, I am going to stay with this whole exersising thing because I want to be smaller. hahahaha! Talk to you all next time.

Verse One:
No one knows what I am like on the inside.
I feel like I have to hide it from everyone.
Only I know who I am.
There are times that I feel like I am falling into a hole that is too deep for me to get out of.
You say that you understand, but you really don't.
If you did, you wouldn't treat me the way that you did.
Though, its history, it still hurts.
Why did you have to use me, then abuse me?

Chorus:
Now you know how it feels and where I am coming from.
Now you will see all that pain that I was talking about and it will come back to you, three times as hard.
You may not understand why it hurts so much, but I do because it came from you.
Now, I just want you to know how hard that was for me to indure.
I hope you realize what you are missing out on because someone else has my love and you are out in the cold. Now, you know how it feels.

Verse Two:
The one question that you never really answered was why.
There are so many questions that still resound in my head.
You really don't have to answer them now because it really doesn't matter.
It really would have been nice to know.
Why did you have to hurt me the way that you did?
It really wasn't necessary.
Though we were both young and didn't really know how to have a relationship.
Only I can tell you now...

Chorus:
Now you know how it feels and where I am coming from.
Now you will see all that pain that I was talking about and it will come back to you, three times as hard.
You may not understand why it hurts so much, but I do because it came from you.
Now, I just want you to know how hard that was for me to indure.
I hope you realize what you are missing out on because someone else has my love and you are out in the cold. Now, you know how it feels.

Bridge:
I hope that you know that I am happy where I am now.
I hope that you are happy too. You know that you will always have a special place in my heart, though, we may have our spats at times.

Chorus:
Now you know how it feels and where I am coming from.
Now you will see all that pain that I was talking about and it will come back to you, three times as hard.
You may not understand why it hurts so much, but I do because it came from you.
Now, I just want you to know how hard that was for me to indure.
I hope you realize what you are missing out on because someone else has my love and you are out in the cold. Now, you know how it feels.

Ending:
Now You know

Fill this out with your own answers in the comments part of my journal people! Its very interesting. I stole this from Rozzygurl.



1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Live Journal?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
17. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

Nothing in this world makes sense anymore. I hate to say it, but it doesn't. It has been two years since I have lost the one that I had loved the most. My world has been in total chaos and turmoil. It seems like no one understands what I am going through and yet I see all of these couples walking up and down the streets talking, laughing, and caressing each other. Do they have any idea what its like to loose someone that was the most important thing to you? I don’t think so. When I go to school, all my friends keep asking me what is wrong. It has become preposterous for them to ask; it seems to be a chore for them to do and act like they have to check up on me. However, there has been one friend that has got me and helped me through everything that I have been through. He keeps my life as normal as possible. No matter what is going on at home, he is always there. If I get into it with my mom or dad, I call him and he comes and gets me out of that environment. He understands why I have to get out of there from time to time. He lets me stay over at his house and we curl up together and sleep, just sleep. After my beloved died, he was at the funeral to comfort me. He would let me cry for hours on his shoulder and he would tell me that everything would be ok. Though, the up coming weeks after that were not at all what I thought it would be. All of my “so called friends” basically ditched me for their pathetic little lives with their “so called beloveds”. I was one of the popular girls that had everything and my whole future. That is now, gone. The only thing that I want to do is just to die and go to be with my beloved. All the problems that I would have at school, he would take me under his wing and stick up for me, when no one else understood. You see, we have a lot in common. Its scary how two people that have such different backgrounds have so much in common. He lost his beloved four years ago when she was killed in a car accident. He didn’t have anyone that would help him get through his difficult time, except for me. We were friends all throughout middle school and once we got to high school, he became the loner and I became popular. However, I never forgot what he did for me. For he, was a true friend. He didn’t really care for the change that happened to me. He thought that I became popular. However, I never forgot what he did for me. For he, was a true friend. He didn’t really care for the change that happened to me. He thought that I was a poser and I suppose that he was right, in retrospect. He tried to commit suicide a couple of times by overdosing on prescription pain killers and he has the scares of where he cut himself with a knife. His parents found out what he was doing to himself and sent him to therapy. He refused to go because he didn’t want to be put on medication for these bi-polar and manic depressive behaviors. He did, however, keep a journal of all the things that were going on in his life. He felt it to be soothing to write because he could get all the things that he wants to tell people down on paper, but never tells them. He would show me some of his poems that he would write and he told me that they weren’t really that good, but to me, they were. He was a gifted writer and even started writing for the school newspaper. It was only for extra credit. He said that being in an extra-curricular activity was meaningless and a total waste of time. Though, he did fancy the colour black. I followed that pattern as well. That is the colour that has been the most attractive as of late. All the “friends” that I use to hang out with now call me the gothic girl. It doesn’t bother me much because I am not self centered and egotistical like they are. I am merely expressing the way that I feel through my clothing. Is that too much to ask? I suppose so because people judge harshly for what others look like. No matter. Those people aren’t apart of my life anymore. I feel sad for them though because they really would have liked the person that I have become. I miss them from time to time, but really he is all that I need. Every week I go to the cemetery and put fresh flowers in the vase of my beloved’s grave. I talk to him too and keep him up to date on what has been going on in my life. There are sometimes that I go and I can feel him near me. At the end of every conversation that I have with him, I say, “Well Chris, my love, I have to go now.” “I will be back next week to put more flowers in the vase. I love you.” On the grave it says, ‘Christopher Aaron Nesbeth Nov. 1983 - Oct. 2006’. I leave the same way that I came. It’s kind of like a ritual with him. It keeps me sane. The most comforting thing is having him there with me. I don’t know why it is and I think that Christopher wants me to be happy. I know that it’s not one of the choices that Chris would have made for me but yet, I feel happy. Usually after seeing Chris, I go to his parent’s house to see them. They are both retired and they make time to see me each week. I enjoy the conversations that I have with his mom and she treats me as if I am her one of her own daughters. For Chris’s dad, it’s a little bit difficult to talk about what happened so he doesn’t really say anything to me, except for a hello and a hug when I walk in the door. This time, it was different though because I brought him with me. When Chris’s mom answer the door, she smiled at me then looked at him and said, “Oh, I didn‘t know that you were bringing someone.” I told Chris’s mom that I was sorry but Ryan had been with me the whole day and that I had asked him to come with me to the cemetery. She said that it was ok and had let us in. I saw Mr. Nesbeth in the study and went to go and say hello to him. He said hello and gave me a hug. Then he came out to the foyer and saw Ryan and said to me, “Who is this?” I replied, “This is my best friend Ryan O‘Donnell.” Ryan said, “It’s a pleasure to meet you sir and give my condolences for your son.” Mr. Nesbeth said thank you and returned to his study. I had to explain to Ryan that it was still hard for Chris’s dad to talk about him. Ryan understood what I was telling him as he usually did. We met Mrs. Nesbeth in the kitchen and she asked if we wanted anything to drink. We both said no and we joined her in the living room. She started out by asking how my week had gone and I told her what was going on. I didn’t really tell anyone anything except for the two people that were in the room with me. Then she asked Ryan if we were dating; Ryan said that it seems like everyone thought that because we were always together. He continued to say that we weren’t and that we were just best friends. She said, “Oh, ok.” I could feel the awkwardness in the room and I told Mrs. Nesbeth that I had to go but I would return tomorrow for the anniversary of Chris’s death the next night. She understood and walked us out the door. I gave her a hug and told her not to worry. She said thank you and Ryan and I went back to his house.

Hello people! Ok, I just realized this today but sexuality sucks a major one because now I am more confused than EVER!!! Ok, I was doing some research on sexuality and found that I am attracted to girls and guys but I haven't been with a girl so I don't know if that needs to be taken into consideration. I mean I like kissing guys and dating them, like Joseph, but here is my problem.

In my past experiences, I have never liked giving a guy oral. I take one look at, what I call a disformity, and think, you want me to stick that in my mouth??? Now, I am getting to the point where sometimes it can be uncomfortable to have sex with a guy. Its all very confusing.

I am starting to wonder if I am going to be with anyone at all. Am I really bi, lesbian, or straight?

I hate the fact that this country has so many rules about sexuality. I suppose that its not really the government, but the society that we live in today.

As of lately, I have been having a hard time reaching out to people. I have become so depressed that I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to do things. All that I want to do is just stay in bed and not do anything. I feel like everyone is mad at me except for a certain few and I just don't know how to live anymore. I have tried everything that I can possibly think of but nothing has worked. I feel like my life has amounted to nothing. I know that isn't fair to say , especially for some people that would disagree with me but for me, its true. Please help me. Please save me from this dispair. I need you!

Hello all. I am finally back online!!! YAY! I am finally in my apartment and everything is nice and cozy! hehehe!